Re:Zero Kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu Volume 4 - Chapter 64.2

Chapter 64.2
――Subaru had come to Arlam village hoping to find some help burying Petra and Frederica, and, more importantly, to inform Petra’s family of her death .
He was prepared to be beaten, and to be sworn at .
Just like back in the Mansion, even here, Subaru could still avoid going through that pain . He could hide the truth of Petra’s death, and reset this world without the villagers ever knowing .
If he did that, Subaru would have hid his responsibility for Petra’s death deep inside his heart with only his guilt to haunt him, and that would probably have been a grace .
But, as for whether he could forgive himself for doing so, that would surely be impossible .
[Subaru: In the end, it’s just self-satisfaction, isn’t it]
So he decided to inform Petra’s family before burying the two .
On the other hand, he had no idea how he should mourn Beatrice . Spirits don’t leave bodies behind . The clean, spotless manner of her disappearance had made her death seem almost unreal to Subaru .
Who knows, maybe―― he couldn’t help but cling to such thoughts .
With those ambivalent thoughts on his mind, Subaru made his way towards Arlam village .
He brought Rem with him, intending to ask someone to take care of her while he saw to the burials .
And then, when he arrived, while searching around for the villagers, he instead found those lumps of meat .
[Subaru: ――There’s… no one here]
Temporarily setting Rem down under the roof of one of the houses, and walking a full circle around the village, that was the conclusion Subaru had come to .
The sweat on his forehead had dissolved the flaking blood, painting Subaru’s face red, into a wretched sight . If the villagers saw Subaru now, he would no doubt be greeted with horrified shrieks .
But, unable to find a single villager to shriek at his sight, Subaru sat down beside the sleeping Rem, at a loss .
――When he saw that Elsa had disappeared from the Mansion, it wasn’t that he hadn’t considered it .
Elsa didn’t bat an eye when she murdered everyone involved in the Capital . So, perhaps unsatisfied with the people in the Mansion, she had decided to put the whole village to the blade .
Subaru had pondered over various explanations on his way to Arlam village, and that possibility was just a part of his unease . But what greeted him when he arrived was far beyond anything he could have imagined .
Instead of villagers, there were just scattered hunks of meat .
――Naturally, deep down, Subaru had imagined the worst, but he was just subconsciously ignoring it .
[Subaru: No one’s here… then there’s no point dawdling here…… better hurry and… bury them]
Muttering this excuse, Subaru lifted Rem into his arms and left the village .
The enormous, motionless masses of meat remained as they were . Subaru didn’t feel the slightest pang on his conscience, leaving them there . He would have prefered if they didn’t even linger in the deepest recesses of his memories .
It felt like his head was going to explode .
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Burying Petra and Frederica turned out to be an unexpectedly simple affair .
Preparing their appearance for internment, he had wiped clean their bloodstained skin with a cloth . As for clothes, he had changed them into a new set with his apologies . Naturally, there were no inappropriate feelings involved .
As he passed the girls’ cold, stiffened arms into the sleeves of their clothes, he wanted to cry, but the back of his eyes only grew dry, trapping his heart within that inexplicable emotion .
[Subaru: ……at least, go in peace]
Subaru quietly said a prayer to lay them to rest as he laid the earth over them .
It goes without saying that Subaru had knew nothing about the prayers of this world, nor much about the sendoffs of his original world, for that matter . All his family members were still alive, so he never had to attend any funerals, and he never took any particular interest in the secular ceremonies of the Japanese people .
He regretted that now .
――The fact that he didn’t even know the proper words was filling him with remorse .
[Subaru: And I’ve imposed on you too . Thank you, for helping me]
Saying this, Subaru reached out his hand, and the black ground dragon brought her snout over to his fingers .
With her legs dirtied by the dug-up soil, Patrasche nudged closer to Subaru as if concerned for him .
After finding Patrasche safe in the stables, Subaru asked her for her help with Petra and Frederica’s burials . The clever dragon quickly understood Subaru’s clumsy request, and, alongside Subaru, who was using a tool similar to a spade, she dug the hole for the tall-statured Frederica .
Even with her mighty legs that could outrace the wind completely coated in mud, it did not diminish the jet-black ground dragon’s nobility and beauty . And Subaru was once again reminded of his immense gratitude for her existence .
Petra’s grave was dug by Subaru . Though her body was small, he didn’t want her to feel cramped, and so he wound up tearing the skins of his palm several times over on handle of the unfamiliar tool .
Laying the earth over her, and watching Petra’s figure receding from view, at last, the stifled tears poured out, and Subaru did not bother to wipe them .
He gave Frederica the same send off, and after placing a simple marker over their graves, the funeral had drawn to an end .
Having concluded one of his tasks, where he should have felt a burden taken off his shoulders, the weight only grew heavier .
[Subaru: ……There’s no point staying here anymore]
He softly murmured .
The curtain had fallen over the irrevocable tragedy at the Mansion .
Carving each and every detail into his memories, he made sure he’d never forget his present regret as bid the two farewell .
It was a regret carved into his very soul, which he will be sure to wipe away in the next attempt .
Only once had accomplished this, could he truly take responsibility for their deaths .
[Subaru: After we’ve checked what we need to check, let’s return to the Sanctuary . ――We can’t leave Rem here, so she’s coming too]
The sun had began to wane .
In the steadily darkening world, Subaru realized that it must be approaching the third night . Once he had checked what he needed to check, if he set out from the Mansion the next morning, he would be back in the Sanctuary before the fourth night .
That would leave a day and a half until the fated sixth day . And this would also be the first time Subaru had traveled back to the Sanctuary from the Mansion .
Defend the Mansion, and break through the Sanctuary .
Because there were two inevitable hurdles, he would need to head back for the necessary experience points before he could take on the final loop .
What would have changed at the Sanctuary while Subaru was gone?
Things would have probably proceeded along the same lines as the time Garfiel knocked Subaru out and imprisoned him . In that case, Otto and Ram might just take action to free the Arlam refugees on the fifth night .
[Subaru: Must be before that happens……huh]
The way he left Garfiel was another cause for concern .
Having forcibly blocked his pursuit using Leweses as shields, it was impossible to imagine just how infuriated Garfiel must be .
On top of that, he would have to tell Garfiel about his older sister’s death . How he suspected her of being a spy, and how he had failed to do anything to save her .
He would have to resign himself to Garfiel’s rage, and take anything that may come .
[Subaru: Back to the Sanctuary, then . ――I miss Emilia]
Thinking over all the countless incidents beleaguering his mind, Subaru absently let slip this honest thought .
Or perhaps, it was closer to a whimper .
But, in this very moment, it was what he truly wanted .
He wanted to see Emilia’s face . And to touch her .
He wanted to feel the reality of Emilia’s existence, and to heal his heart that was on the verge of breaking .
Those thoughts were just a testament to the extent of Subaru’s exhaustion .