Run, Girl (If You Can) Chapter 515 - A Burden

If not for Noah keeping her company whenever he wasn't working, Violet would have gone stir crazy long ago. He was such a solid, constant presence in her life and always had been. She would forever be grateful for that.
Valentine's Day had already passed uneventfully but she wanted to do something nice for him to let him know how much she appreciated him. They had done what they always did by ordering pizza and watching a movie at home.
When they were kids, Noah and Violet always gave each other Valentine's cards and candy because that was what you did with your friends. As they got older and she got more depressed about being single on the worst day of the year the tradition changed.
They started hanging out that day when she was in middle school and most of her classmates had boyfriends. Noah had said they could be single together or something like that. Looking back, he had probably always thought of her as his Valentine's date.
The main difference this year was receiving flowers and a necklace in addition to the usual chocolates they exchanged. In return, she had gotten him his favorite author's newest book. Well, the gifts and the kissing were different but that was it.
Violet wanted to do something that would make Noah feel loved. She really wouldn't have gotten through physical therapy so far without his constant encouragement.
Plus he had spent an entire weekend helping her unpack when she moved. Right now it seemed like she was getting a lot more out of this relationship than he was and that needed to change.
"Is there anything you need help with, Noah? Or anything you want?" she asked.
"No," he replied, sounding confused by the questions. "Why do you ask?"
She should have expected as much. Her best friend had never been the type to hesitate asking for help when he truly needed it, which was why she spent so much time tutoring him from middle school onward.
They had always had each other's backs when the other was in any sort of trouble so things always evened out eventually. But it was different now that they were dating.
Violet didn't think she was giving as much as she was taking. Noah loved her deeply and she still hadn't completely sorted through her feelings. It didn't seem fair to her but she couldn't rush how she felt.
With a sigh, she sat up straight to face him. "I don't think I'm doing enough for you as your girlfriend."
He raised an eyebrow. "Why would you think that?"
Ah, how to explain this…She supposed it wasn't terribly different from back when she was in high school and he was in middle school. Noah had been upset that he couldn't help her with her friend problems like she was helping him with his studies.
No, that was an age thing. This was more of an emotional burden problem. Violet felt like she was taking advantage of him somehow.
It would be terrible to say "you're more in love with me than I am with you" out loud but how else could she phrase it? She did love him, more than she loved anybody else. But it wasn't the way he wanted.
Aside from occasional kissing and cuddling, their relationship was about the same as it had been when they were simply best friends. They both knew things were going so slowly because of her mental block.
Noah said he was willing to wait for her to figure things out forever as long as he got to be by her side but that didn't seem fair. He deserved better than being stuck in relational limbo.
Violet sighed. She was the one who asked him to wait for her but now she was almost regretting it. She couldn't afford to lose him but making him wait like this…
She buried her face in her hands and mumbled, "I feel like I'm taking advantage of your feelings for me because I'm taking a while to sort things out."
"Ah, Vi, you don't need to feel bad about that!" Noah insisted. "The past couple of months have been the best of my life. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Like I said, I can wait as long as you need."
That was exactly the problem. Violet didn't want to make him wait but was still having a hard time making out with him without bursting into uncontrollable laughter over how weird the whole thing was.
His earnestness was making her feel worse. He shouldn't be this nice or understanding about her muddled feelings because his were getting hurt in the process.
Sometimes she wondered if it would be better for everyone if she disappeared and stopped burdening them. Especially now that she was on leave from work. Throughout her recovery she had accomplished absolutely nothing.
Noah noticed her expression and gently knocked on the top of her head. "I know that face. That's the my-favorite-person-is-daring-to-think-badly-of-herself-in-front-of-me face. What's wrong now?"
"I feel like a burden to you and everyone else," Violet said in a small voice. "My recovery is taking too long and my head is a mess."
He reached out and cupped her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. His dark eyes were soft with emotion.
"Nobody thinks you're a burden, least of all me," he reassured her. "You're going through something difficult right now so it's normal that your head is a mess. I have your back no matter what, you know. You would do the same for me."
Violet would do the same for him but wasn't sure that really applied in this situation. Because she had never been in love with him secretly for years while he was oblivious to it. She never had to wait for him to come around.
Her feelings of dejection over that wouldn't go away but at the very least she was able to believe she wasn't burdening Noah. Those thoughts floated away as his arm went around her shoulders and he pulled her closer.
No matter how much the world was falling apart, Noah's embrace had always made her feel safe. That would never change.
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