Heart of Darkness Chapter 148 - 115

After Lazarus and Acheron went home, Rayven was left alone with Skender who kept drinking.
"It is enough now," he told him. "You need to recover."
Skender let his head fall to one side and studied him with a sad smile. His gaze was protruding and Rayven dared not meet his blue eyes. He felt ashamed. He would rather Skender yelled at him, fought him than only look at him like that.
This thing with Marie made things worse. He didn't like it at all.
"Why did you go that far? Why would you offer yourself? Why would you sacrifice yourself like that?" Rayven asked him. "Angelica is not yours to protect."
"Clearly, Ramona wasn't mine to protect either." He chuckled darkly. "It seems that I like to meddle in other people's business and become a savor, only to be blamed when I can't save them, even when they are not mine to protect. Besides," he gazed up and into his eyes. "I am not the only one to have sacrificed something."
Rayven's stomach turned and he felt nauseous. Did he know about the destroyer?
Skender put his cup away with a sigh. "Thank you for taking care of me while I was sick. This time when I woke up, I woke up with eyes fully open." He then stood up. "I won't keep you away from your wife. I have someone to attend as well."
Rayven stood up hastily. "Don't do that!"
"Don't worry. I don't have much pride that can be stamped on right now." He patted him on the shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow at the morning meeting."
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Skender left him standing there alone, ashamed and confused. He knew everything. He did indeed wake up with his eyes fully open, but his heart closed.
All the remarks he made, he knew he had sacrificed him and he knew of his hurt pride for not being able to be the one who saved his wife. Rayven felt a knot in his stomach as he walked back to the chamber. When he walked inside, Angelica was already walking toward the door with a frown. The bad thing about the mark, she knew how he felt no matter how hard he tried to hide it. She just couldn't understand yet that it was his feelings and not her own. God, even he got confused sometimes.
Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm down.? "Rayven?" She came and took his arm. "What is wrong?"
He smiled at her. "Nothing. I think I had a little too much to drink. Come," he put one arm around her. "Let's go to bed."
Once they were in bed, she snuggled against him. "We haven't had much time with each other." She began. "But I am here to listen if something is bothering you."
"I know. But everything is alright now. Skender is awake and he seems to be alright." Rayven said but he didn't believe his own words. Something was different about Skender but it wasn't just about his demon. He woke up as a different man. As a changed man. As he said, his eyes were open now and Rayven believed his heart hardened a bit.
"Are we really safe now?" She asked him.
"No one is ever completely safe but if it is Constantine then you don't have to worry. As Skender said, he is after him and you and William can go back to living normally. His father is someone he fears and we have that weapon against him now."
Angelica nodded. "But Skender is still in danger."
Rayven looked at her face. He really needed to put his pride aside. He knew Angelica and William both worried for Skender because they cared about him and respected him. Maybe even looked up to him. Yes, he wanted that too but it wasn't about him now. He wasn't the one who sacrificed himself and was ill and suffering for many days. Skender deserved the care and respect he received.
"He is. But don't worry. I will help him."
"I know you will. I am really glad you have so many people around you now."
He smiled sadly. All of them probably had no good thoughts about him at the moment even if they said nothing.
Rayven kept staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. Now that Angelica was asleep he could ponder freely and his thoughts tormented him. His pride that he thought he had overcome was still lingering around and the bad habits of destructive thoughts came to mind. Before he knew it, he left Angelica in bed and walked around the castle restless. No matter what he told himself, his mind went to a dark place, a familiar place and he heard those voices again. The ones telling him to remove the pain and worry. That there was a method to do so.
He stared at himself in the mirror. He got his face back and just like that his pride came back as well. Even if he knew there was no real connection between his face and his pride, he couldn't help but feel so. It was deeply embedded in him. He needed a reminder. Not once every day but every time and his face have done that for him. Whether it was through the mirror or through other people's eyes. He needed to see and remember.
Staring at the dagger in his hand, he wondered what it would feel like to cut himself after all this time? He had been cutting himself regularly for years. Angelica made him stop. What would she say this time?
He took a deep breath. She would understand. He would tell her that he couldn't live without a reminder. He was still too weak for that.
His fingers tightened around the dagger as he slowly lifted it to his face. He watched the tip of the knife near his cheek. Why was he hesitating? He needed to do this.
"Rayven!"
Angelica's angry voice suddenly made his heart jump out of his chest. He turned around and find her standing with him there in the darkness, her eyes narrowed with anger.
"Angelica. How…did you find me?"
She strode over to him and snatched the dagger out of his hand. "I can sense you now. Don't you know?"
He clenched his jaw. "What is wrong with you these days? You have been absent. Distant. I thought you were only worried for Skender. That things would be better once he woke up but it seems to be the opposite."
Rayven remained quiet, his mind wandering to many places on how to explain himself. To explain this misery he caused upon himself.
"You are going back. Away. You said the bond would bring us closer. Was that a lie?"
He shook his head.
"Then what is it because I am becoming frightened? Why is there a distance between us? I told you to come to me. Why can't you talk to me?"
"Because I am ashamed!" He yelled. "You have seen all of me, yet I am ashamed. Afraid that after all, I haven't changed. I am still the same."
"Rayven.." she softened her tone and her eyes saddened.
"I told you. Demos is still there. I need a reminder." His eyes welled with tears of anger and helplessness.
She took a deep breath. "Alright. It is enough now. You can't cry or hurt yourself. That will hurt me now that I can sense you. Or can't you sense me? Are you drowning so much in your own pain?"
He looked into her stern eyes. "I did not drink blood and get over my fear of fangs for this. You are not Demos. You have changed but it is easy to maintain change during good times. Now you are being tested. Now is the time to fight and not go back to bad habits."
She took his hand and placed the dagger in it. "Here. If this will make you feel better then do it. Or you could come to me and we could talk, fight if needed, yell and be disappointed in each other without the fear of anything. We are after all bonded, through blood and through vows."
Releasing his hand, she walked away.
Rayven felt light-headed and sat down on the floor. He took deep breaths to calm down. What was wrong with him? How could he think of doing this? He was mated to Angelica now. Even though he had decided that vows would be enough and were just as meaningful, being mated had another deep meaning to him. He should have been the happiest man to know that they were finally bonded. Of course, it added to his fear and made him lose his sanity when she was abducted but…what happened after?
He began to think deeper. As much as a part of him had been wanting it all, another part became self-destructive because he didn't think he deserved it.
Tossing the dagger aside he stood up. His mother had once told him that every great blessing was also a curse. It depended on the person.
**********
"I don't understand you. Why didn't you help them if you don't want him to become a destroyer?" Luciana asked her.
Lucrezia leaned back on the sofa with a satisfied smile. "Because if I help them they won't learn. You learn from hardships, pain, loss, grief. I have to let them suffer. " She shrugged.? "The destroyer is bound to show himself sooner or later. It can't be avoided. The important thing is to prepare him for it, which I have been doing. The plan was to train him more before letting him find out but I found the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone."
"What do you mean?" Luciana frowned.
"Rayven and Skender. I had predicted it all. Rayven would have done anything to save Angelica anyway but he would feel guilty about it later. He usually drowns in guilt and can't see beyond his own pain, but now he has his mate. She will help him pull himself out and then he will come to me, to do his best to help Skender."
And that would also be a big step toward redeeming himself.
"You want them to work together, but Skender won't work with him now." Luciana made a point. "You just reversed things."
She was right. Skender wouldn't trust anyone now. He would distance himself. She sighed. What a long tiring process. One thing solved, a thousand left.
"Don't worry. Even if the destroyer comes forward, Skender the defender will always be somewhere in there. His gentle nature won't disappear that easily. Even if he wants it."
"Will you be able to bring them all together?" Luciana was skeptical.
"It will take many years and lots of patience. But I am stuck here so what else can I do?" This gave her a purpose and made her less lonely.
"And what do you plan for the boy?"
"Oh. I am not sure. I just know he will be useful. I could use him as motivation as well when needed." Lucrezia smirked. Skender wouldn't be able to ignore when it came to William. She was preparing herself for a very difficult journey and she needed a weapon. This wasn't a regular demon, she would have to handle.
"Poor boy," Luciana sighed.
Lucrezia wished he wasn't so little so she would feel less of a bad person even if she knew he wasn't really a boy. But he was little.
"Well, I am curious to see what you will do next," Lucian said who had become very interested in these demons.
"I am curious too.." She said.