Heart of Darkness Chapter 95 - 78

Chapter 95 - 78

Rayven left Angelica after telling her that was just who he was. He couldn't change certain things. He was angry and didn't want to say anything wrong to her. He needed to calm down first.
Going to his room he paced back and forth. He really couldn't help the need to punish. His hands were already itching to scar his already healed face or to hurt himself in any other way.
With a sigh, he sat on his bed. He was so close to ignoring what Angelica told him and go find those filthy men. To stop his impulses he went to find Angelica to keep himself occupied so he wouldn't do anything he would regret.
The door to Angelica's room was open and Rayven knocked before stepping inside. She was seated on the floor, still unpacking the chest. She turned to look at him. "You didn't leave," she smiled happy that he listened to her.
"Shall I prepare lunch?" she asked trying to get up.
"No. Keep unpacking." He told her.
He sat down on her bed to watch her. She smiled shyly at him before proceeding with her work. Knowing that she had been untouched this whole time and he acted the way he did made him suddenly feel disgusted. Why didn't she tell him when she tried to convince him to marry her? Not even on their wedding night did she say anything. What if he had taken her?
He felt nauseous thinking about it. If he had done something, there would be no going back. He was grateful for all the reasons that made him not go that far. But he still couldn't understand why she didn't tell him? The world might not need to know but didn't she think he would find out sooner or later?
"Angelica."
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"Yes."
He swallowed the heavy lump in his throat. He wasn't good at expressing himself. "You didn't tell me that you were still innocent."
Suddenly she stopped unpacking and he watched the side of her face. Her face tensed before she turned to him.
"I had no reason to." She replied.
"No reason?" He frowned.
Her jaw tensed even more. "What should I have said? My Lord, I may have been in the brothel, I may have been branded, I may have a ruined reputation but I am still chaste. I am still yours to taint."
"Angelica?" He was baffled. That was not what he thought and when she said it like that, he could tell it was humiliating for her. Even he felt humiliated for her. "That is not what I meant."
"Then why? Why should it matter? I thought it didn't matter to you."
Rayven could tell this topic made her upset.
"It doesn't and it does. I care about what happened to you and I want to take care of you in the right way. Knowing what you went through would help. Not that I would think of you more or less depending on your chastity. Nor would I see myself more or less lucky to have an innocent wife."
She nodded slowly, pressing her lips into a thin line. "Maybe I would have told you if you said you cared about me." He could see tears building in her eyes before she went back to unpack.
Rayven realized it was the first time he told her that. Of course. Why would she tell such sensitive information to someone who had been distancing himself from her? He was a man in her eyes who only the day before had planned to leave her. He wasn't worthy of knowing such information.
Rayven stood up and went to sit beside her on the floor. She looked at him confused and he grabbed her face. "I care about you very much." He told her.
A tear fell from her eye and he wiped it away. Lord, how was he supposed to handle an innocent woman? He did not know how to be gentle. His demon didn't know how to behave correctly after living like a corpse for centuries. He became more afraid than ever now.
She had almost been violated. He didn't want to do anything close to what would make her feel that way again.
"I don't know how to take care of someone. I have never been that person. I might do it the wrong way but I want to take care of you." He said.
Another tear fell down her cheek and she leaned into him. He wrapped one arm around her shoulder and held her close.
"I am tired," she said.
"I know. I am afraid I will tire you even more before I can fully take care of you."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"I will tell you once you have rested."
Rayven couldn't delay it anymore. If she was innocent then she really needed to know before he traumatized her.
After holding her for a while she already fell asleep in his arm. That was how tired she was.
Carefully he carried her up and placed her on her bed before covering her with a blanket. She didn't even eat, he thought.
Rayven went to the kitchen, surprising Sarah.
"My Lord, do you need anything?" She asked. She was getting less scared each time.
"When Angelica wakes up, serve her lunch in her room." He told her.
She nodded. "Is there anything special I should serve?"
What did humans prefer the most?
Meat. They liked meat.
"Meat." He said.
She nodded.
"Also make her some tea with honey and cinnamon."
Sarah nodded with a smile thinking that he was being a caring husband.
Caring husband? He liked that.
He turned around feeling satisfied.
"My Lord." She stopped him.
He looked back at her. "What about you?"
"I am not hungry." He said.
She nodded again thinking that he ate rarely.
Rayven left the kitchen and went to see how things were going in the royal castle. He knew he was off duty for a week but it had felt like he had been absent for a month.
Skender, Acheron, and Vitale sat in the parlor drinking tea and coffee when he joined them.
They looked at him surprised. "Did you miss us?" Skender smirked.
"It can't be… when you have such a beautiful wife at home?" Acheron raised a brow.
Vitale studied him in silence and Rayven met his gaze.
"Your face looks better." He pointed.
They all looked at him and agreed but then Skender leaned closer with a frown. "It is not only your face." He said. "Your eyes. They look different."
"What spell did Angelica cast on you?" Acheron asked.
"Spell?" Vitale frowned. "It is more than a spell. Don't you hear it?"
Skender and Acheron strained their ears looking confused.
"Oh…" Acheron said and nothing else. He was shocked.
Skender chuckled with delight. "You got your heart back."
Vitale still looked at him in disbelief.
Rayven nodded feeling awkward.
"Yes."
"Does this mean you are not punished anymore?" Acheron asked.
How was he supposed to tell them that he was the one punishing himself? "No, I am not."
"How does that feel?" Skender wondered.
"Better. But it might only be for a while. She doesn't know what I am yet."
"Just don't say I am a demon first," Vitale told him. "First show and tell her what makes you look different without giving it a name."
Rayven understood what he meant. The human's definition of demons was never good. It would be better to believe he was a monster rather than a demon.
"You should make sure that she likes you first," Acheron said.
"No." Skender shook his head. "You should make sure she trusts you. If she trusts that you are not a threat to her, you can take the next step from there."
Rayven nodded. The only problem was he didn't trust himself. He didn't know when he would turn dark again. Angelica had already commented on his eyes and he had felt the darkness creep into his heart again. He was still bloodthirsty and it scared him. He had still not changed for the better.
Lucrezia had told him his heart wasn't bleeding completely yet. There must be a reason for it and he knew the reason. His bad habits would be hard to abandon. He already longed and itched for the feeling of cutting his face and as much as he wanted Angelica he also longed for the comfort he found alone in the darkness of his room.
Being outside, being with Angelica, and being a husband was frightening and he was afraid of running away before she did.
"You are scared," Skender said when the other two left. "I hear it in your heartbeat."
"And?"
He chuckled. "I guess getting your heart back didn't make you polite all of a sudden. Well, change takes time."
"I don't have time," Rayven said. "That is why…" he was afraid. "The dark thoughts are not leaving my head."
He wished Skender had his powers. Would that help?
"You had those thoughts for hundreds of years. They won't just leave you in a day or two. You will struggle with them for a long while after this. But it doesn't mean you can't be happy."
"Are you happy?"
Skender became thoughtful. "I guess I am good at giving advice I don't follow myself."
Rayven shook his head at him.
"But one day...one day I will be happy, when I become the person I want to be." He hoped.
"It might be too late then," Rayven said.
"Are you giving me advice now?" Skender wondered with a smirk.
"I guess I am. Maybe you should take your own advice and find a woman."
Skender nodded. "So now a woman is the answer?"
"Perhaps not. But the company of someone good will change you for the better." Rayven felt a sour taste in his mouth. Did those words leave his lips? How did he even think of them?
"Hurry up then to be good and then keep me company."
Rayven scoffed. Skender was the good one among all of them.. For him, perhaps good was not the answer.